Part 1 – Captain Calls in Sick and the Worst Pint in the World
It was lunchtime Saturday, 20th October, about
1ish. I found myself on Sutton high street with a finger stuck in one ear, phone pressed to the other, trying hard to make out the weak voice of our
ELUTP team captain over the traffic noise. Alas, the long feared day had now
come to pass… our team captain wasn’t going to make the game (see previous post for details!). The whole world
slowed, faces became a blur as I stood immobile, shocked to my core in the
midst of the rolling tide of Saturday shoppers. What were we going to do now!?
Tears rose unbidden to my eyes and my bottom lip trembled ever so slightly. But
then a grim determination took over – the show must go on! It was now down to
me to make sure the Sutton Utd vs Staines Town show was appropriately
documented so that all you keen followers of the ELUTP journey can enjoy an extravagant, sometimes witty write up, interspersed with footy facts and royalty-free images.
Spirits duly restored by my own swift internal monologue, I pulled on the
purely imaginary captain’s armband and headed off to meet the ELUTP team at the
crocked captain’s proposed pre-match pub stop – The Plough.
On the walk to the pub from Sutton town centre, I tried hard to
remember all the crucial items and activities that we must remember and perform to make the ELUTP
experience complete: a pen, a piece of paper, a burger, a burger taster, a note
taker, a match day programme, some photos, the price list in the tuck shop, the
cost of pint, do they do pies?, is there any bovril?, the list goes on and I
can safely say I didn’t remember everything and never will. One can but try!
The Plough, Sutton. Not good… |
The rest of the ELUTP crew were already on site, tucked
to one side watching the match and trying not to look too middle class (they
did a good job).
The ELUTP team for Sutton Utd vs Staines Town |
I queued up for a pint thinking I’d go for a Young’s Bitter as a local had just ordered a pint. The young lad behind the bar poured me out a cloudy pint of brown and when I lifted it up to see if it was translucent, let alone transparent, the aforesaid local grunted: “Ain’t nuthin’ fuckin’ wrong with it!”. Pic below.
Worst pint EVER |
What I couldn't capture on camera was the taste – it was
like the harshest, sourest vinegar. Absolutely f*cking rank! Under the baleful
glare of the friendly local I had to commit to having a glug but the second it
was in my mouth I was fighting to not spray it all over the place and had to
make a runner for the urinals. In a way I'm impressed as it was quite
definitely, 100%, no shadow of a doubt whatsoever, the worst pint EVER. Well
done The Plough and let us please spare a thought for the local who considers
that a decent pint! TIP: When at The Plough, go for the bottled lager.
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Bad pint vs good pint - good pint wins! |
Anyway, I digress. The Spurs match finished with a 2-4
away win for Chelsea courtesy of a quick Mata double around the 60 minute mark
and a last minute finisher from Sturridge. This signalled our swift departure
and we headed off on the long trek to the home of Sutton United, The Borough Sports
Ground.
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Bit of a hike to the ground from The Plough… |
Excitement built as we approached the gates to the
ground, struggling as we were against the multitudinous throng of supporters.
Not a crisp packet or burger wrapper in sight! |
No indication provided as to whether the gin would be served with tonic or soda… |
Part 2: Show me the Money and a not so All Time High
Main stand, too pricey for the likes of us! |
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Nothing outlandish on this menu! |
Mmm, mmm, mmmmmm, that’s a middling-to-fair burger! |
Our dedicated Burger Taster was reasonably happy with his
burger, the patty was fairly rudimentary and got less tasty the more one ate,
two slices of cheese was considered enough to grant Sutton Utd All Time
Catering burger with a score of 3 out of 5.*
Burger tasting is not a hobby, it’s a calling! |
Rorschach test everybody! What do you see? |
Burgers scoffed we turned our attention to the football.
*Please note that the Burger Taster may wish to provide supporting information concerning the Sutton Utd All Time Catering burger subsequent to the publication of this blog.
*Please note that the Burger Taster may wish to provide supporting information concerning the Sutton Utd All Time Catering burger subsequent to the publication of this blog.
Part 3: Football is Played and Burger Tester Tries Match Day Bovril
Attendance - 569
Sutton
Utd
Manager
– Paul Doswell
1
Tom Lovelock
2
Jamie Stuart
3
Gareth Gwillim
4
Steven Old sub 78 Payne
5
Simon Downer booked foul
6
Harry Ottaway sub 62 Rents
7
Anthony Riviere
8
Craig Watkins
9
Craig Dundas
10
Harry Beautyman
11
Kyle Vassell sub 69 Kavanagh
12
Stefan Payne
14
Tom Kavanagh
15
Sam Rents
16
Paul Telfer
17
Wayne Shaw
Staines
Town
Manager
– (The Legendary) Marcus Gayle
J
Turner
L
Ferrell
J
Brown
W
Bor
P
Kanyuka booked foul
M
Drage
D
Wheeler
E
Godfrey booked foul
T
Garrod sub L-R Beadle 16
L
Theophanou sub
C Ocansey 84
M Worsfold sub T Ferguson 65
L-R Beadle
C Ocansey
T Ferguson
K Merson
R Hall
Referee - Adrian Quelch (New Milton)
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Jenny the Giraffe, Sutton Utd mascot, lethal in the box from set pieces |
Sutton dominated
long periods of the game but failed to back that up with goals and conceded two
soft goals, one a complete gift, of the sort that have blighted the first
couple of months of their season. There was something to enjoy in Sutton’s
performance, particularly before half time as big Craig Dundas dominated the
midfield and their attacking players produced lively performances but,
frustrated by a goalkeeper whose bright pink outfit made him difficult to miss
and who attracted further attention with some fine saves (and arse scratching
antics directed at the staunch home fans), they were rocked back by another
penalty ten minutes before half time.
Staines’ Louie Theophanous, fresh from
his hat-trick against Hornchurch the previous week, was presented with the
chance to go in front as Dundas sliced an attempted clearance from a free kick,
and, when the ball fell to David Wheeler, he was tripped by Downer as he tried
to go past U’s defender. Downer was booked, and Lovelock was unable to repeat
his saves at Tonbridge and Eastbourne as despite diving in the right direction
he couldn’t reach Theophanous’s well placed spot-kick.
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Penner! |
Before the break
Theophanous might have added a second, chipping in to the side netting after
Lovelock had punched away a cross from the right, and Will Bor chipped just
over the bar.
Half-time!
Our Burger Taster was
overjoyed to receive a polystyrene cup of steaming Bovril at the interval. He
gulped it down and was a very happy chappy going into the second half.
Sutton never
played with the same fluency as they demonstrated in the first half, although
second half chances still came until a horrendous mix-up between Harry
Beautyman and Simon Downer allowed Staines to clinch the game with a second
goal. Even then U’s briefly restored hope when Stefan Payne pulled a goal back,
but they had no time to press for the equaliser that few would have begrudged
them.
Worse could have
followed in similar circumstances, this time with Lovelock dispossessed by
substitute Cyril Ocansey but recovering to block the resulting shot, but with
just over a minute to go Payne outpaced the defence to reach Downer’s long pass
and lift the ball over Turner to reduce the arrears. It wasn't enough to deny
Staines their first away league win of the season.
Full-time!
Sutton Utd 1 – Staines Town 2
Part 4: Pint in the Club Bar and Some Random Facts
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What’s the scores George Draws? |
Our business complete we
made for the next train to London from West Sutton station, happy with our day
trip to Sutton Utd, unsure of when we would, if ever, return.
Thank you, dear reader,
for your kind attention to these memoirs, I should like to conclude with a selection
of relevantly random facts.
Random Fact #1
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Note the colourful Popinjay atop the helm |
The Sutton United crest
bears much resemblance to the arms granted to the new council on 16th October
1934, although certain colours have been changed, with the motto, "Serve
God and Be Cheeful", replaced by the club name.
The shield's four central
crosses are taken from the arms of the See of Canterbury, which held Cheam for
over five hundred years from 1018. The keys are those of St Peter and are taken
the arms of the Benedictine Abbey of Chertsey, which owned Sutton at the time
of the Domesday survey.
The popinjay (or parrot)
is from the arms of the Lumley family - ancient Lords of the Manor of Cheam. In
its claw, the popinjay holds a fifth cross of Canterbury.
In 1966, the Sutton &
Cheam Borough Council became part of a larger London Borough of Sutton with new
(and altered) arms being granted.
Random Fact #2
Popinjay (noun)
1. A conceited person
2. A fop or coxcomb
3. A parrot
4. A figure of a parrot set up to be shot at (historical)
Origin: Ofr papegai; cf LL papagallus; Late Gr papagallos
(also papagas), a parrot; prob
Eastern; influenced by jay.
Random Fact #3
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It's Jenny the Giraffe folks! |
Brilliant footage of the
race: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqrYA6MJgF8
Mr Bumble, Barnet FC’s
colourfully striped mascot, came first.
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Run Jenny, run!!! |
Random Fact #4
Real ale will start to taste of vinegar (known as 'oxidising') if left in a part-full cask for too long. This is caused by acetic acid forming from a reaction with oxygen in the atmosphere.
Random Fact #5
If I were reading this blog I'd be asking where Megan was. Here she is!
In Conclusion
Random Fact #5
If I were reading this blog I'd be asking where Megan was. Here she is!
Where's Megan? Here, with the match day programme! |
In Conclusion
Before I sign off from this my first, and probably (due to reasons of incredibly slack delivery) last blog contribution, I should like to express our thanks to the team captain for all the hard work he puts into this odyssey of ours and how much his organisation and planning contribute to our lives. Thanks dude. You may think that’s a bit soppy of me, but having had to pull on the armband for just one of our 11 steps, I can tell you it’s a bit of work and we are all very grateful that you're there to lead the way (sometimes through empty sports grounds and over barb wire fences etc too).
Cheers and Happy New Year!
ED - Captains log - I did make up my missed game and attended Farnborough Town vs Staines Town in November. So all back on board the good ship Eleven Leagues.
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Match day ticket stuck to the train window with my beery spit. |
Good effort mate. The bar has been raised.
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