Step 6: 20/10/2012 Sutton United vs Staines Town, Gander Green Lane, Sutton

Part 1 – Captain Calls in Sick and the Worst Pint in the World

It was lunchtime Saturday, 20^th October, about 1ish. I found myself on Sutton high street with a finger stuck in one ear, phone pressed to the other, trying hard to make out the weak voice of our ELUTP team captain over the traffic noise. Alas, the long feared day had now come to pass… our team captain wasn’t going to make the game (see previous post for details!). The whole world slowed, faces became a blur as I stood immobile, shocked to my core in the midst of the rolling tide of Saturday shoppers. What were we going to do now!? Tears rose unbidden to my eyes and my bottom lip trembled ever so slightly. But then a grim determination took over – the show must go on! It was now down to me to make sure the Sutton Utd vs Staines Town show was appropriately documented so that all you keen followers of the ELUTP journey can enjoy an extravagant, sometimes witty write up, interspersed with footy facts and royalty-free images. Spirits duly restored by my own swift internal monologue, I pulled on the purely imaginary captain’s armband and headed off to meet the ELUTP team at the crocked captain’s proposed pre-match pub stop – The Plough.

On the walk to the pub from Sutton town centre, I tried hard to remember all the crucial items and activities that we must remember and perform to make the ELUTP experience complete: a pen, a piece of paper, a burger, a burger taster, a note taker, a match day programme, some photos, the price list in the tuck shop, the cost of pint, do they do pies?, is there any bovril?, the list goes on and I can safely say I didn’t remember everything and never will. One can but try!

Upon arriving at The Plough I was met with a raucous baying of Spurs and Chelsea fans watching the early prem match on several large screens. As you may be able to deduce from the photo, The Plough is not concerned with glitz or glamour, it’s a local pub, for local people.

The Plough, Sutton. Not good… 

The rest of the ELUTP crew were already on site, tucked to one side watching the match and trying not to look too middle class (they did a good job).

The ELUTP team for Sutton Utd vs Staines Town

I queued up for a pint thinking I’d go for a Young’s Bitter as a local had just ordered a pint. The young lad behind the bar poured me out a cloudy pint of brown and when I lifted it up to see if it was translucent, let alone transparent, the aforesaid local grunted: “Ain’t nuthin’ fuckin’ wrong with it!”. Pic below.

Worst pint EVER

What I couldn't capture on camera was the taste – it was like the harshest, sourest vinegar. Absolutely f*cking rank! Under the baleful glare of the friendly local I had to commit to having a glug but the second it was in my mouth I was fighting to not spray it all over the place and had to make a runner for the urinals. In a way I'm impressed as it was quite definitely, 100%, no shadow of a doubt whatsoever, the worst pint EVER. Well done The Plough and let us please spare a thought for the local who considers that a decent pint! TIP: When at The Plough, go for the bottled lager.

NOTE: By way of comparison I provide a “Bad Pint vs Good Pint” visual reference below. Dear Proprietor of The Plough, Sutton, please not that ale should always be presented to the customer in the condition shown in the right-hand image – i.e. see through!

Bad pint vs good pint - good pint wins!

Anyway, I digress. The Spurs match finished with a 2-4 away win for Chelsea courtesy of a quick Mata double around the 60 minute mark and a last minute finisher from Sturridge. This signalled our swift departure and we headed off on the long trek to the home of Sutton United, The Borough Sports Ground.

Bit of a hike to the ground from The Plough…

Excitement built as we approached the gates to the ground, struggling as we were against the multitudinous throng of supporters.

Not a crisp packet or burger wrapper in sight!

By way of ELUTP box-ticking, here’s evidence of the match day ticket prices which are significantly higher now that we approach the football league proper. On a positive note Gin seemed to be available to the Northern Irish for only two pounds! Bargain!

No indication provided as to whether the gin would be served with tonic or soda…

Part 2: Show me the Money and a not so All Time High

Once inside the ground we made a beeline for the main stand only to find to our disgust that Sutton Utd charge fans £1 to sit in the main stand. Cheap exploitation is not for ELUTP faithful so we decided to head over to stand on concrete steps by the corner flag instead.

Main stand, too pricey for the likes of us!

A pound saved we turned our attention to the tuck shop where our regular burger taster was champing at the bit to get his hands on Sutton Utd’s offering. Prices for refreshments were fairly standard and we tucked in.

Nothing outlandish on this menu!

Mmm, mmm, mmmmmm, that’s a middling-to-fair burger!

Our dedicated Burger Taster was reasonably happy with his burger, the patty was fairly rudimentary and got less tasty the more one ate, two slices of cheese was considered enough to grant Sutton Utd All Time Catering burger with a score of 3 out of 5.*

Burger tasting is not a hobby, it’s a calling!

Rorschach test everybody! What do you see?

Burgers scoffed we turned our attention to the football.

*Please note that the Burger Taster may wish to provide supporting information concerning the Sutton Utd All Time Catering burger subsequent to the publication of this blog.

Part 3: Football is Played and Burger Tester Tries Match Day Bovril

Attendance - 569

Sutton Utd

Manager – Paul Doswell

1 Tom Lovelock

2 Jamie Stuart

3 Gareth Gwillim

4 Steven Old sub 78 Payne

5 Simon Downer booked foul

6 Harry Ottaway sub 62 Rents

7 Anthony Riviere                                  

8 Craig Watkins                         

9 Craig Dundas                         

10 Harry Beautyman                              

11 Kyle Vassell sub 69 Kavanagh

                                                             

12 Stefan Payne                         

14 Tom Kavanagh

15 Sam Rents

16 Paul Telfer                            

17 Wayne Shaw

Staines Town

Manager – (The Legendary) Marcus Gayle

J Turner

L Ferrell

J Brown

W Bor

P Kanyuka booked foul

M Drage

D Wheeler

E Godfrey booked foul

T Garrod sub L-R Beadle 16

L Theophanou sub C Ocansey 84

M Worsfold sub T Ferguson 65

L-R Beadle

C Ocansey

T Ferguson

K Merson

R Hall

Referee - Adrian Quelch (New Milton)

Jenny the Giraffe, Sutton Utd mascot, lethal in the box from set pieces

Sutton dominated long periods of the game but failed to back that up with goals and conceded two soft goals, one a complete gift, of the sort that have blighted the first couple of months of their season. There was something to enjoy in Sutton’s performance, particularly before half time as big Craig Dundas dominated the midfield and their attacking players produced lively performances but, frustrated by a goalkeeper whose bright pink outfit made him difficult to miss and who attracted further attention with some fine saves (and arse scratching antics directed at the staunch home fans), they were rocked back by another penalty ten minutes before half time.

Staines’ Louie Theophanous, fresh from his hat-trick against Hornchurch the previous week, was presented with the chance to go in front as Dundas sliced an attempted clearance from a free kick, and, when the ball fell to David Wheeler, he was tripped by Downer as he tried to go past U’s defender. Downer was booked, and Lovelock was unable to repeat his saves at Tonbridge and Eastbourne as despite diving in the right direction he couldn’t reach Theophanous’s well placed spot-kick.

Penner!

Before the break Theophanous might have added a second, chipping in to the side netting after Lovelock had punched away a cross from the right, and Will Bor chipped just over the bar.

Half-time!

Our Burger Taster was overjoyed to receive a polystyrene cup of steaming Bovril at the interval. He gulped it down and was a very happy chappy going into the second half. 

Sutton never played with the same fluency as they demonstrated in the first half, although second half chances still came until a horrendous mix-up between Harry Beautyman and Simon Downer allowed Staines to clinch the game with a second goal. Even then U’s briefly restored hope when Stefan Payne pulled a goal back, but they had no time to press for the equaliser that few would have begrudged them.

Worse could have followed in similar circumstances, this time with Lovelock dispossessed by substitute Cyril Ocansey but recovering to block the resulting shot, but with just over a minute to go Payne outpaced the defence to reach Downer’s long pass and lift the ball over Turner to reduce the arrears. It wasn't enough to deny Staines their first away league win of the season.

Full-time! Sutton Utd 1 – Staines Town 2

Part 4: Pint in the Club Bar and Some Random Facts

The match over we headed straight over to the main stand to try to locate the club bar (none of us wishing to revisit The Plough). Going in the players’ tunnel and heading right we found ourselves at a bar serving lovely pints of Tribute, delicious and £3.20! As results came in from around the country we found a table and then had a panic… who had a pen and piece of paper with which to record  the days’ result as per ELUTP tradition? We searched high and low and try as we might there was no pen nor paper to be found. Then, in a moment of genius, one of our party pulled from his bag a tablet device (Android, not Apple I recall) and swiftly installed a drawing app which our Burger Taster (who also is the score card drawerer – a Man of Many Talents!) could crudely sketch the Sutton Utd crest and full time scores.

What’s the scores George Draws?

Our business complete we made for the next train to London from West Sutton station, happy with our day trip to Sutton Utd, unsure of when we would, if ever, return.

Thank you, dear reader, for your kind attention to these memoirs, I should like to conclude with a selection of relevantly random facts.

Random Fact #1

The crest of Sutton United FC is thought to date back to the Charter Celebrations of 1934, when the Urban Borough of Sutton became the Sutton & Cheam Borough Council.

Note the colourful Popinjay atop the helm

The Sutton United crest bears much resemblance to the arms granted to the new council on 16th October 1934, although certain colours have been changed, with the motto, "Serve God and Be Cheeful", replaced by the club name.

The shield's four central crosses are taken from the arms of the See of Canterbury, which held Cheam for over five hundred years from 1018. The keys are those of St Peter and are taken the arms of the Benedictine Abbey of Chertsey, which owned Sutton at the time of the Domesday survey.

The popinjay (or parrot) is from the arms of the Lumley family - ancient Lords of the Manor of Cheam. In its claw, the popinjay holds a fifth cross of Canterbury.

In 1966, the Sutton & Cheam Borough Council became part of a larger London Borough of Sutton with new (and altered) arms being granted.

Random Fact #2

Popinjay (noun)

1. A conceited person

2. A fop or coxcomb

3. A parrot

4. A figure of a parrot set up to be shot at (historical)

Origin: Ofr papegai; cf LL papagallus; Late Gr papagallos (also papagas), a parrot; prob Eastern; influenced by jay.

Random Fact #3

It's Jenny the Giraffe folks!

Sutton Utd’s mascot, Jenny the Giraffe, came fourth in the UK’s annual Mascot Grand National at Sunbury Racecourse, Kempton Park on May 7^th 2012.

Brilliant footage of the race: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqrYA6MJgF8

Mr Bumble, Barnet FC’s colourfully striped mascot, came first.

Run Jenny, run!!!

Random Fact #4

Real ale will start to taste of vinegar (known as 'oxidising') if left in a part-full cask for too long. This is caused by acetic acid forming from a reaction with oxygen in the atmosphere.

Random Fact #5

If I were reading this blog I'd be asking where Megan was. Here she is!

Where's Megan? Here, with the match day programme!

In Conclusion

Before I sign off from this my first, and probably (due to reasons of incredibly slack delivery) last blog contribution, I should like to express our thanks to the team captain for all the hard work he puts into this odyssey of ours and how much his organisation and planning contribute to our lives. Thanks dude. You may think that’s a bit soppy of me, but having had to pull on the armband for just one of our 11 steps, I can tell you it’s a bit of work and we are all very grateful that you're there to lead the way (sometimes through empty sports grounds and over barb wire fences etc too).

Cheers and Happy New Year!

ED - Captains log - I did make up my missed game and attended Farnborough Town vs Staines Town in November. So all back on board the good ship Eleven Leagues.

Match day ticket stuck to the train window with my beery spit.